I have so much love to give. I am very un-Finnish in that aspect. Where as Finns take their space and their personal space is quite large, when I know and trust that person, my personal space is quite small. I’m very touchy-feely kind of person. I love cuddling. I love touching that person, their hair… just being around them. Of course, I adapt to each situation and often am unable to show my cuddly side with others. I don’t want to come off weird or whatever. When I’m around my family, funny enough, I do sit on the opposite side of the couch. When I’m with a non-Finnish friend, I can sit quite close to them. If I don’t know the person, I don’t want them anywhere near me.
I don’t know why this happens. I guess it’s just a character trait that I have. I love loving. When I can’t show my love to the person whom I love, it’s really hard for me. I have so much love to give. Which is partly why I love animals so much – they give that unconditional love back. They can be extremely cuddly too, to the point of annoyance.
There is not a day that I don’t think of my animals that I’ve had to let go.
Levi, my very first animal, my little kitty. He is the king of his own little world. He is happy with my parents and my parents friends when they’re not in Finland. He is living the life. When my sister got a cat too, Levi didn’t like it at all. He was so upset. Somehow, they learned to live under the same roof for a little while. Now, when my sister brings her cat to Finland, Levi has to get used to her. He’ll be pouting for a couple of days.
Nikka, my adopted dog. She had a tragic life – she was found in a ditch in Spain. She had trust issues and wouldn’t let anyone in easy, for some reason she trusted me immediately. She got sick, very sick. Unfortunately, we had to let her go, and to this day I don’t know where she is or how she’s doing. I do miss her, even if she was a bit different, more difficult kind of personality. She still has my heart.
Tassu, my very first puppy and my very first Samoyed. Samoyed dogs had my heart from the get-go – they’re white, fluffy and so enthusiastic. They’re a bit less hyper than Huskies are. Samoyeds are more popular in Finland and North America, as it is hard to come by one anywhere else where I’ve lived. This boy, with his enthusiasm and loving, took my heart. He lived up to his name as Tassu is Finnish, meaning paw, he was always giving his paw without any type of reason. He was always there when I was having a hard time. He never declined a cuddle, always wanted to be as involved as possible. He is in Colorado with a family, he seems happy enough. Although the smiley face he used to have when he was with us, seems to be missing, which does make me worried if he really is okay.
Ohanko, A.’s kitty when he lived in Cork. I had a hard time to let him in, because I was afraid to get invested in him as I didn’t want to fall in love knowing that someday I might lose him. Eventually, he did get my heart. He was like an extension of our Tassu, only being a cat. Ohanko is Native American and it means reckless, which really suited him. I got to live with him only a little while until we noticed the clause in our contract that there are no pets allowed in the apartment complex. I was afraid of something like that. The pain is still too fresh.
When my sole purpose is to love, and I have nothing left to love, where do I direct that energy? I guess it may be the time to focus on self-love. Feel the love as if it was to another person. How to achieve that though? I’ve had a hard time accepting myself as I am, forgiving myself, loving myself unconditionally. No matter what I do, I cannot seem to find happiness. Even though, emotions are ever-flowing and changing, when I put my focus on the now, I am able to stop and appreciate everything around me. I just need to figure out how to start loving myself.
In theory, I know how to do it. I have been seeking for other spiritual advisers who could guide me in the right direction, and much of what they say makes sense to me. In practice, however, I’ve no clue where to begin. When one has put down oneself for such a long time, will it take the same amount of time loving oneself? That doesn’t sound right. What I am not doing in the way that would raise my vibrations once and for all? Am I missing something? Am I being pulled to travel so I’d find myself, find love and forgiveness for myself? If so, how should I go about travelling to where my heart has been pulling? I feel overwhelmed as nothing is concrete. I don’t even know where exactly I’d go, much less would have a plan for the things I want to experience and see. All is too open for me to be able to just drop everything and go. I don’t need minute schedule, just sort of an idea as to what I’m supposed to go do, something to start with in order to survive.