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Valikko

I’m perfectly incomplete / I’m still working on my masterpiece

January is already at its end and yet it seems the month is going so slow. The start of the year seems to be the hardest for me, for some reason. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is I want out of this life. I’m happy within myself, I’m even semi-happy with where I live at the moment. I’m just not happy what I do with my time. The week days seem to be the same, wake up, go to work, get groceries and go home. I can’t even blame it on being tired because I haven’t felt I’ve been that tired. I don’t want a routine-like life where everyday is the same, rather want to have adventures and experiences.

So, I’ve been thinking how can I achieve what I want this year? I’ve felt as if I’ve been wondering aimlessly, blinded by haze for a few years now. I used to be a planner. Used to make lists, have goals for myself. Somehow, that has not been the case for a while. How can I achieve anything if I don’t have goals or dreams I want to achieve? What it is that makes me happy? How can I take a step forward, as tiny as it may be, in achieving my dreams? What do I want out of life? What goals do I have within this year? Those have been a few of the questions that have been looming over my head this past month.

Money has, as always, not been the greatest friend of mine. Money still causes anxiety and I do not want to deal with it. I see there is another lesson to be learned. I’m not much for making new year’s resolutions, simply because I can never keep them in the first place. If I try to promise I won’t do something or eat this, the next day I find myself buying triple the amount I’d normally do. With that said, I want to know that I am on my path to go in the direction I’ve wanted to. In this period of my life, I just need to accept that money doesn’t grow on trees.

I can only blame myself for not making a change thus far. I could have done so many things but I haven’t. It is only now that I’m starting to wake up and do things to reach my dreams. It seems that Universe is helping me as well, find the right people at the right time to help me out in what they specialize in. But also finding people to encourage me to step out and start using what I have. The rest, is up to me. No matter how scared I am, even if I don’t even know where to begin, all it takes is that one tiniest of steps and somehow you realize you’re taking leaps.

The discouragement comes from being fearful and insecure. Then again, when will you think you have enough experience to be worth what someone wants to pay for your services? Will you ever really be ready? Fear has crippled me until this moment but I realize that it should encourage me more than anything. Use it as a stand off point and get ready for the unexpected journey. Besides, if you aren’t fearful to start working towards your dreams, those dreams aren’t grand enough in the first place.

I used to be scared of spiders. Well, I don’t think I’ll fully get over it as the really big ones with a bit of ‘fur’ would scare me to no end if I ever came across one in my house. Nor would I hold one, big or small, in my hands. When I shifted my way of thinking to what can they teach me and what is their lesson to me, no longer do I scream when I see one. In fact, I try not to kill them either. Spiders are said to be omen for feminine energy, creativity, patience, receptivity, they are weavers of life’s fate and can even sometimes be associated with the shadow self.

 

In other words, they can be related to an important direction you are taking in life. By wanting to kill it, you may be repressing some feelings or rejecting aspects of yourself. Because they create very intricate webs which are also beautiful and strong, symbolically their appearance in your life might be a reminder of your own ability to create delicate things or ideas which are also strong. Spiders can be spirit animals whose purpose is to inspire to gain perspective on an issue or a project you contemplate taking on. Furthermore, for most they may bring up aversion, tension, fear or discomfort. You can ask yourself where these feelings also appear in your life, giving you points to focus on.

Therefore, I feel like I have accepted myself and my shadow self by accepting spiders to become part of my life. No longer do I want to deny their existence, in fact, I want to use their energy as inspiration on my life. Lately, there have been a few times, where the spider has woven its web and climbed down right next to me. Despite my initial reaction to jump, I let him just be because I knew he would do no harm in my life. And in a short while, I would not see him anymore. Conquering this fear, has made me realize that not all is what it may seem to be. It has been a great reminder just shifting your perspective, of how you can change your entire attitude. The fear that was once inside me, is now used for inspiration to achieve what I’ve been dreaming of for so many years. Spiders have also reminded me by patience and persistence, you will go far. There is a time and a place for everything. Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens at the exact time it’s supposed to. However, you cannot be passive either, you need to have the idea of what kind of an intricate yet strong web you will create. Sometimes it happens half-accidentally, other times you need to put more effort into it. Whatever you do, do not give up.

Just as I’ve dealt with the fear of spiders, the next step is to deal with the other fears I have in my life whether it’s regarding money, handling everything on my own, or getting one step closer to achieve my dreams. It has been a wonderful reminder, how I need to be patient with this project. It won’t be an easy one but it will happen when it’s supposed to. I’m slowly working towards it, in fact I’ve been working towards it, unknowingly. There will be days when I will question everything, when things seem overwhelmingly impossible, when I will compare myself to people who inspire me and think “I’ll never get there”. Those are moments that need to be expressed, too. As long as you give attention to them but are able to let go of those thoughts, everything will be alright. Despite last night’s meltdown, the spark is back and I want nothing more than to continue this path I’ve been on. Taking little steps at a time, and finding patience to go through it all.

Block

Could have been something
But you were too afraid
Thinking I’m too dramatic
It was never about drama
But how this baby mama
Had, wanted, wished you around

Not a day goes by, not even a day
You dont cross my mind
Wondering what you’ve been up to
How you been
But you weren’t ready,
You were too macho
I wouldn’t take your bullshit
Not letting you walk all over
Yet didn’t want you to leave by me

Listened to you, your intimate story
Had a connection, even after all these years
I Was honored to find a good friend in you
Your story so inspiring
Though it was more than that
Neither willing to admit this
What was in the air that night

You Were drawn to me, I was drawn to you
Always happy to hear from you
As my heart skipped a beat
Every time I heard your voice
Heard you spit a rhyme or two
Each beat you created, let me hear
Doing your thing, it felt inspiring

Challenging me in ways no one has
Creativity runs through your veins
You Know exactly what you want
Drew from that, grew stronger
Music uniting us, teaching new ways
The impact you had, you don’t even realize

The importance you have played
I didn’t even know the influence
We could play in each others lives
Now gone, not forever
But for this moment, all I wanna tell you, I miss you. Just us two
Involved in the daily life
Cannot rush you, don’t want to
Make you run further
Patiently waiting for your next move

What have you been up to?
Do I ever cross your mind too?
Would you admit we had something?
Even if it wasn’t the right timing?
Why were you drawn to me the night
I came over to your brother’s?
Could we inspire one another?
Can you become part of my life once more?

© Sara H. All rights reserved. December 2014.

Anybody could be bad to u, u need a good girl to blow your mind

One of my good friends with tremendous amount of experience in life, told me once, sex is really powerful. When it’s good, it’s amazing! Naive as I was, I didn’t want to see how much power it holds. When I saw another friend of mine before and after a weekend of fun and fooling around, basically doing it non-stop, I saw the change in him. He was more confident than I’ve ever seen him! That’s when I realized the power of sex holds, I could no longer deny it. It’s been stuck on my mind ever since.

This past summer has changed me. I knew I may get a bit wild with experimenting and experiencing new things. I always said I could never have one night stand and I’ve even tried to convince myself I haven’t. Because I’ve needed to know the person more. Because I’ve kept seeing him. Truth is, with most it’s only been about sex. And some just have been one night stands. I just need to accept it as it is without trying sugarcoat it. I don’t want anyone to sugarcoat things for me, why would I allow myself to do it?

My Little Pony collection has grown, and for a bigger challenge than focusing on one continent or trying to collect one from each continent, they’ve been put in smaller parts. This is the joke my best friend and I have created. We have to see humor in everything. However, I do notice a pattern over the guys I’ve seen. They generally seem to be the alpha males, ones who need to take charge in certain things but then are unable to make any final decisions on other things. Especially when it is regarding emotional availability. This is something that I have not understood, and most likely will never even understand.

My naive side will fall for it each time though. I keep on giving them more than I probably should, in the hopes of getting the same back. It hasn’t been the same amount of passion on both sides, I seem to have been the one giving more than receiving. And each time, itseems to be just as big of a fall as the previous time, when my friends need to pick up the pieces this one particular person has torn me into.

The thing is, I haven’t learned my lesson, or I keep on being hopeful. At the same token, as fast as I can infatuate on a person, I get over them, and move on. Just like I did with the two people I was describing in some of my previous posts. Which is why, I keep my options open. I will always have a favorite but till the day I’m committed, I will continue seeing a few different people at a time. It is also the way I protect myself. Also, I enjoy being entertained this way. I have always enjoyed flirting as well, which seems to come out wherever I go, especially as of late.

 

My closest friends know exactly who I’m into at the moment, when I’m freaking out over someone or something that someone said. It’s funny now that I think of it, my previous relationship seemed to be easier to let go of than some of these guys. I mean, eventually, I’ll get over them it just takes me a little while to stop thinking of them. Even if I’ve found a new person to focus on.

Furthermore, it’s an uplift to your self-esteem to get attention from the opposite gender (why not even same gender). When someone shows interest in you, it’s only an ego boost. It makes you feel good. Gives you confidence. Your whole body language changes, not only do you feel empowered, you look it too. Which seems to attract people to you. There is a fine line between confidence and cockiness – one is positive, the other is negative. You don’t need to be rude to people but you can show them what you want and that you love yourself. You feel comfortable in your own skin. You’ll start noticing the attention you’ll get, especially from the opposite gender as they are intrigued by this new found confidence. You’ve suddenly become mysterious.

I’m gonna love you, until you hate me

I came across this awhile back, a friend of mine posted it on their facebook. I wanted to share it as it describes the way most Finns love. I happen to agree with this quote one hundred percent.

A Finnish wife asks her husband, why he doesn’t say “I love you” more to her. The husband replies: “I told you that, when we started to be together, and trust me, I’ll inform you the minute it changes. Till that time, you should think of it as a given.” (The latter sentence is added, in case this Finn is unordinarily romantic.)

 

People tend to say, that there’s too little love in this world nowadays, so they use the words “I love you” all the time, and think that it creates love more. True love is still built on trust, that doesn’t have to be proven with words. Therefore one could say, that even if we Finns don’t generally appear romantic in the word’s modern sense, we actually still have an exceptional ability to trust people genuinely, so we focus our “romantic energy” in building the environment for the love.

 

So, yes, I think the concept of movie-like love still exists, but it doesn’t lie on the “I love you” text messages, tweets and fb updates etc., it lies in the ability of building the environment and the future for your shared love. When people love and trust each other, like soulmates, they don’t have to say it, they just know.