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How SO-ME can ruin your relationship

As new words arise in this world, including twerk and selfie in English, Finland has created some (pronounced something like so-may) meaning social media. Maybe I’m crazy but it could work for English as well. Or maybe not. Anyways, just trying to help you out since it did take me a good while to understand the meaning of it. Moving on..

I am so glad to not have grown up in digital world. Back in the day, we used to have to count the minutes we could spend on the internet as it was counted by minutes. Also, the phone lines were busy during that time so if you were expecting a phone call, you could not be spending your time on the internet. Yes, it was called the internet at that time.

Nowadays, we have all sorts of gadgets that we want to connect online so we don’t lose touch of friends, social media, news, blogs, gossip – whatever is your preference. If we cannot keep up with the world, most of us would be so lost what to do. That begs the question, how did one survive without mobile devices and not being reachable at all times? Oh yeah, imagine that.

Even these days, when I get to go to the cottage in Finland, I don’t even have internet connection on my phone. Most likely, I’ll have my phone turned off or on silent. Not because I want anyone to worry but because I go there to silence my mind. To actually get away from the busy city life. Sometimes you just need that retreat from your digital life and leave it all behind for just a little while. Okay, when I’m in Finland, I actually lose my phone there all the time and my dad often tells me to have my phone close by since mom never hears her phone ringing, especially if we’re going somewhere together with mom and dad would need the car or whatever. You can’t help but to lose track of time in that village.

Especially the teenagers, kids born in mid 90′s who grew up in the 00′s, when technology was growing, they do not realize the harm what social media can do. Everything is posted out in the public for anyone and everyone to see. They don’t realize that once you upload a picture on Facebook, Facebook has the ownership of the picture and even when you remove it from your profile it will stay on their servers and can never be removed. Furthermore, Facebook can use it at their own discretion.

Everything that you do online, can be tracked down. Have you thought about that? Do you think of the consequences when you upload a picture on Instagram or Snapchat? What about that subliminal tweet you just posted? Yes, we all do it at one point or another, especially when we’re upset at someone. It’s an easy way to vent.

The issues arise when that person can actually see your post and figure out it’s about them. Think of this scenario, you are friends on all platforms with your ex who has moved on to someone else. You start stalking them, reading their status updates and tweets, wondering if they ever think of you. You get upset because you see how happy they are with their new love. When you are reminded of them constantly, it is harder to move on.

Moreover, I truly believe that social media can ruin any relationship. The reason why I believe this is because the more active you are, the more likely it is that your significant other will be checking out your updates and posts. We are all guilty of wanting the world to perceive us in a certain way thus online world only shows one dimension of our lives, not the full picture. Miscommunication happens a lot when it comes to digital world, it is best to talk and communicate in real life with your spouse.

Couples who exchange their passwords with one another, is not a healthy thing. A friend of mine once said that no relationship will last if you exchange passwords. Having done that myself, I came to the conclusion that not only was she right but it in fact is a breach of privacy. It would be the same as reading someone else’s diary. You just don’t do that. There needs to be that certain kind of trust between the two, and if you suspect of something, talk about it (preferably in private and not on so-me platforms). Respecting the other’s personal space is a huge thing.

Monitoring your significant other’s profile may not be the healthiest thing either. Not all the updates may have any meaning to them. Reading too much into a random thought he or she decided to share may make your spouse feel you are obsessing over them. Getting overly jealous over someone they may be talking to on a regular basis may scare them further away. Again, communication is the key. Ask about it, talk about it, let it be known it makes you uncomfortable. Do not start dwelling in it only to have it blown up in their faces during an argument.

You may want to think twice when subtweeting or posting other cryptic messages. As mentioned earlier, we are all guilty of having done it at one point or another. However, it still never feels nice especially if it’s in a negative manner. It’s better trying to avoid it and make a note on your phone notes or your diary/journal, somewhere where it’s private. Besides, I’ve come to realize that people do not really react well to negative posts.

Oversharing of your life and relationship status can get overwhelming. I can guarantee most people will also get annoyed if all your updates are about your significant other, what you’ve done, what you’ve eaten, when you take a hot-steamy shower together, how much you miss each other. It’s just too much. Besides, your partner may not want for you to share as much. If you feel this to become an issue, talk about it. In fact, think of it as public online displays of affection – how much do you share on the streets of your life?

The Ex are a touchy subject in most relationships, if you’re keeping in touch with them and your partner has to see your interactions online, it may cause some havoc and jealousy. How would it make you feel if you saw your partner interacting with your Ex all the time? Unless of course, you are playing with fire and provoking for jealousy, that’s a whole another story.

My personal rule of thumb in this digital time is if you are not ready for the whole world to see it, best not to do it. This especially goes for sultry photos and videos. No matter how much in love I am with that person, I just don’t want ever to have face the embarrassment of seeing my picture anywhere publicly. Be smart with your choices, certain things are just meant for between the two of you.

There have been a few times when I have disappeared from the digital world, I’ve done that on purpose. I may have needed my own time and space. I may have not wanted to see the updates of others as it seemed to have overtaken my life. While the digital world connects people together and allows you to stay in touch with one another, life happens outside. It is not inside a computer or a tablet or any other mobile device. You may be missing lots of opportunities if you do not keep your eyes open.

I am actually considering of not adding my next partner on my facebook or follow him on twitter. I’m now curious to know what would that do, would I wonder what he is up to online or if he’s posting about me, would I get jealous? Would it actually be a blessing for the relationship since it happens in real time, not through a device? This will be my next investigation.

Breaking Walls

Never should have met you that night
Drawn to you, connected instantly
Since then my life has not been same
You’ve changed me, my perspective

Thank you for showing real passion
What it is to love and feel loved
I’ve not been with anyone like you
Proceeders have a lot to live up to

Never imagined for you to come
From the same State as her
Could have been from anywhere
Too many connections and coincidences

Thank you for not letting me be
We enjoy each other’s company
Not knowing what the future holds
Just getting to know one another

Never been a big believer of marriage
You’ve changed my frame of reference
Maybe when I’m ready to get settled
I would want for him to be like you

Thank you for showing how to love
You’ve given me beautiful hope
For the future and what it could be
Can hope that one day I’ll be happy

Never thought I’d ever feel this way
Towards someone like you, again
These feelings I have for you
Should not even exist, be present

Thank you for handling the situation
Confidently and ever so maturely
Every little thing you say and do
Makes me want to come be with you

Never imagined this would happen
I was apprehensive at first
Putting you against the wall
Wanting to find out your intentions

Thank you for always giving answers
Knowing you would never lie to me
Which caused me to break the walls
And now realizing I may be falling

© Sara H, September 2014. All rights reserved.

The greatest thing you’ll ever do is to love + be loved in return

Question that has been looming over my head lately has been if I believe in marriage. For the first time in my life, marriage could be possible should the right person come along for me to want to get married. However, I’m not sure if I’d want that.

In my view, people are so easily ready to get married. Yes, it sounds like a fairytale when you think you have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. At one point or another, the honeymoon stage will be over and reality will hit. Some couples are really good together but others might have a more fiery relationship. Suddenly, they find themselves to be annoyed at most things their partner is doing. Because they vowed to love one another until the day one of them die, they are now bound to each other. I know couples who have spent nearly a decade together, without getting married, and then coming to the conclusion that they’ve grown apart. That it’s best they part ways. Imagine if in these cases, the people had been married. Divorce is never an easy process nor is it exactly cheap either.

To me, being married is just a piece of paper. It’s validation to the world that you two are supposed to belong together. Traditionally speaking, one would usually get married at a church, in front of God (or whichever you may believe in), exchanging vows in front of loved ones that you’ll never depart ways or be unfaithful to one another. That you’ll be there for each other through thick and thin, through the good times and the bad.

I’m fortunate enough to have grown up in a fairly stable environment. My parents are still together, even though at their worst arguments they would mention getting divorced. However, and I cannot remember where I’ve read this information, many people who have been born before ’60s have said that they would not have gotten married so young if they were given that choice. While it may have not been an arranged marriage, the society surely pushed people to get married at a young age.

Whether you are married or not, shouldn’t matter. What matters, is the quality of the relationship. You will face the same issues regardless if you have a wedding band on your finger or not. If you spend quality time with each other, you will more than likely be more happy in the relationship. I’ve always said that honesty and open communication is the key to a good relationship because the moment you stop communicating with one another, is the moment the relationship may be in jeopardy.

When you think of the start of the relationship, what did you two do? Was it countless conversations, sometimes of valuable things and getting to know the other and at times just talking about absolutely nothing, just spending time together and laughing? When did that change? Yes, daily life will hit eventually but you can ensure to make a mundane day into an extraordinary. It doesn’t have to be anything big either, just something small such as a compliment or laying in bed talking silly things, or giving a massage. When you go out of your way unexpectedly, I can guarantee your spouse will feel special.

Should there ever be a breakup or a divorce, it will hurt just as much. There will be moments when your partner will break your heart. That’s just inevitable. When two people care for each other, it would be more worrisome if there was no pain involved at all. The reasons why couples depart ways, are countless. Sometimes it happens that two people just have given each other all they can, and it’s just time to move on. When in the honeymoon stage, everything is all good but as soon as there is a small bump on the road, they find themselves not to be compatible. Even as I’ve not been married, I know that there are just as much investment into the relationship. You’re devoted to that person, or one would at least hope so.

As a child, I was always able to see myself in a relationship. I am a hopeless romantic at heart, and whenever I see two people in love on the street, my heart melts a little bit. I’m not bothered by public displays of affection, unless of course it’s basically dry humping, then you can go get a room. I always saw myself being lovey-dovey with someone, crazy about each other. One thing was missing – imagining my wedding or even being married. I was never one of those kids who would imagine every little detail of their wedding. I tried to imagine it every now and again, probably because of feeling the pressure to do it, but I never was really able to. I have nothing against marriage, I think it’s a beautiful thing when two people want to dedicate their lives to one person, I just never have been able to fully imagine myself being married.

The reasoning for this also is because I believe that the more we are awakened spiritually, the more we realize certain people are meant to be in our lives for certain amount of time. Once all the lessons have been learned, each have given the other all that they can, and then it is time to part ways. How can one promise a lifetime with someone when it is not guaranteed you will spend the rest of your days with that one person? One should not breakup or get divorced without knowing that they’ve given their all. Just as hastily as some get married, the divorce may come even quicker. Those reality shows of people getting married when they’ve barely known each other for a month, and filing for divorce within the same week, does not help this situation in the least.

As seeing the statistics of divorce rates, how they’ve increased over the years, I never realized it till now, but it does scare me. It wouldn’t be validation of any kind to me, just vowing to love one person for the rest of my life. Life, which we never know what will happen tomorrow. Would I be ready for that kind of a commitment? I’ve learned to let go of many fears I have but the fear of failure of loving someone, scares me. How can I promise eternal love when I don’t even believe in forever? How would I even be able to keep such a promise when I cannot plan further than month ahead, if even that? With that said, maybe the fear of failure within marriage scares me because I take it seriously for I am quite traditional.

I pride myself in being very loving, not really even sure where it comes from, as a typical Finnish family, there was barely any affection shown. Every once in a blue moon, you’d show affection but it was rather atypical. So if I’d fail at love, if I’d fail at keeping the marriage together, I’d probably think I’ve failed in life. In fact, that’s exactly how I felt when leaving from a 8-year-relationship, though we never were married it certainly felt like a marriage. On several occasions, we planned for it. Just never went through with it.

Maybe I’m cynical, maybe it’s hard for me to see things clearly regarding marriage at this moment. Things may change at any time, and for the right person, I may want nothing more than to get married and start a family. Right now, however, I realize I do have a bit of fear of commitment. I feel I would become a Mother before a wife. As contradicting as this may sound, I do not want to spend my entire life alone. I need loving, I need to be loved and feel the love. I genuinely believe that to be one of the reasons that I’ve been put on this Earth at this time. Through these trying times, we need people to spread love, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. Even if it may not be towards one singular person. The love within me runs very deep, no matter to whom or what it is given.

On a completely different note, as I was doing a bit of research of what people generally think of marriage, I came across this interesting column on New York Times. The journalist reviews marriage from psychological perspective and how times have changed the quality of marriage in the States. He has very thought-provoking opinions on the subject, highly recommend to read it.

I keep going back to the one thing that I need to walk away from

My moral compass is too strong at times, and I would judge anyone who would choose to cheat or be with a cheater. Under no circumstances would it be okay in my book to do such a thing. Once a cheater, always a cheater -right? Why would you even want to put yourself in a position where so many people’s lives could be ruined?

I’ve seen it from all sides throughout my short life. It does permanent damage to be the one cheated on, or so I saw in one particular person. He never quite got over it, making him react stronger and be jealous and more controlling over the partner. The person who cheated, however, ended up getting married to cheatee and they’ve been married ever since. Luckily, I’ve not been cheated on or I’m not aware of it at least. I can only imagine how it would feel.

For some reason, in my circle lately there are a few who are involved with someone who is already taken. One case being that the person has been married for a decade but there is no love there, this person has gone to therapy but the spouse hasn’t wanted to work on the relationship. In this case, the situation has been going on for years. Now, the person involved has had to push cheater to make a decision whether to continue down the same path it has been on for years or to choose own happiness, setting each other free from the dead relationship.

Another case being that these two feel attraction toward each other and after one night, they want to see where it would lead. What makes the situation complex, is that the three are all great friends.

In third situation, this person was wanted by the married person. It was just purely fun for both, whenever they wanted it. However, it was clear for both of them that nothing serious could ever happen so no emotions were involved. This was purely lust based relationship.

On another case she went on a holiday and found someone interesting. One thing leading to another, they had a fun night together. Before her holiday was over, the spouse of the man found her and started accusing her of the things she had done. This person had no idea the guy was about to get married, how could she have when he didn’t tell this bit of information to her. She politely told the spouse to not get her involved as she is not responsible for the man’s actions, and to talk to the man instead of her.


The closest that I’ve been as a cheater, was when I was in a long-distance relationship with my ex girlfriend. I was getting attention from one of my friend’s boyfriend as we were dancing together at a club, though I didn’t think much of it at the time. Was just having fun. Well, we exchanged numbers and a few days later started texting. One night when I had a fight with my ex, I started talking to the guy. He invited me to their apartment when she wasn’t there. I didn’t know what was about to happen, or even expected to happen, but I put on a lower cut shirt. Took mom’s car and drove to their apartment. We talked for a bit, like every Russian person, he gave me an alcoholic beverage. Sat down on the couch… and let him get close to me. I was playing with fire, and I knew that. When he got close to kissing me, I stopped him. He tried to push it further but it didn’t feel right to me. Eventually, he went for a smoke at the front, basically telling me to leave while he was super upset I had turned him down.

Later, when I went to the ski resort nearby, Ruka, for a day out, I didn’t have the equipment so had to rent it. He was working there and he gave me their best stuff to use for the day, for free. Since then, I haven’t heard from him. I told my ex about this situation years later, needless to say she wasn’t very happy. I don’t know if my friend ever found the texts, found out what I had done, or even realized how much of a player this guy was. It was later pointed out to me that I wasn’t the only one he tried to be with. I have blamed myself for this situation, mostly because I betrayed a friend and never told her about it. I have never really told anyone this story, only to a few people. It feels good to finally let it out of my system, and be able to move on. It’s in the past and with this post, I’ll let go of it.

All of these situations have been where each are in close proximity to one another. What happens when you put distance between? What if the situation happens out of a night out, and the person who is taken doesn’t share that information? Complicated situation just got that much more complex. Would it even be worth the trouble? Well, that is completely up to the people involved.

Since wrecking my brain about the subject of cheating and if it is okay, I’ve come to the conclusion to not judge anyone. As with anything in life, there are always circumstances which you do not know, no situation is as easy as it being black or white. Each is responsible for their own actions and whether or not they want to take the risk of being in such a situation. It could be the best decision they have made and end up spending rest of their lives with that person, or they could end up hurt and burned. It’s a risk nonetheless. Then again, life is full of risks.

These instances have made me realize that life is just life. Life is not always supposed to be taken seriously. If you feel a connection with someone, and if it feels right to you, why not try it? Spiritually speaking, we find the people at the exact right time we are supposed to. We find the connection with them, and everything just feels natural and right. There are no coincidences in life, or so I have believed for all of my life, everything happens for a reason and everything has a connection.

By any means, I do not encourage to get involved in such a situation, however sometimes life works in mysterious ways. Sometimes the answer to your prayers comes in a way you would least expect. If the relationship has been dead/dying for years and you are unable to let go, Universe (or God if you prefer) will put that extra person in between for you to realize that it is time to let go. It may have given you signs previously but for one reason or another, you’ve ignored them. At one point, Universe will shove it down your throat to show the direction which to take thus giving you the answers you have been looking for.

Once a cheater, always a cheater -way of thinking is not necessarily true. Surely there are people who will continue to cheat, possibly throughout their whole lives. It would be more alarming if this thought would not cross your mind at all. My personal advice would be listen to your instincts, your intuition. Be open and honest with each other, if you feel that the person is not able to answer your tough questions, there may be a chance you might not want to invest into it any more than you already have. Ask the exact questions you have in mind, there will be a natural time for each. Make sure you both are equally as invested in the situation. As tough as the situation may be, do not blame yourself. It’s okay to have those thoughts and judge yourself, allow to have space for them but do not get stuck in them. No one is perfect. You are only making decisions which feel best to you at that time. That’s all that one can do, really.

If you are the one being cheated on, again do not blame yourself for it happening. If the relationship was strong enough, it would last through thick and thin. It does happen that you have given each other all you can, all the lessons that you needed to learn have been taught, and now it is time to move on. Sometimes two people just grow apart. If you’ve had several partners who have cheated on you, ask yourself what are you doing to attract it. Do you think you are not worthy of someone’s love, or better yet your own love? Is there some aspect of yourself you do not accept? There are always underlying issues if such things keep reoccurring in your life.