After a couple of months of being out of my game, I’ve slowly found my balance again. It has taken a lot of self-exploration, quieting the mind, meditation and prayer. For some reason or another, whenever I’m at a really big crossroads, I find myself getting closer to God. I’ve referred to God as Universe, the Creator, the Source – all basically meaning the same thing. However, somehow, the name God hits home. I don’t know whether it’s because I grew up a Christian, with grandmother quite involved with the church, or why. To me, it feels most natural. However, out of respect for others, I’m used to writing the Universe, because I don’t want to exclude anyone.
My relationship with God has been, well, a rocky road. I do believe in Angels and Spirit Guides, as well as Spirit Animals. There are a lot of things which we cannot see, or even our narrow minds cannot understand. That which we cannot understand, scares us, for the most part. I believe in it much like as if I was turning on a light switch – I have no idea how it works and how the wiring goes, however, I know and trust the light goes on when I press the button. The angels and guides are all around us, they won’t (and cannot) meddle in our lives unless we ask for their assistance.
Through this hazy time, I’ve also gone back to meditation. Well not meditation in the sense that I get in a comfortable position and start listening to a guided meditation. As I understand, meditation can happen in any way one can think of, so long as you stop to listen to your inner-self. For me, it has been in the form of stopping everything and just being in the silence. Taking time for myself in the quiet. On some occasions, this has led to prayer. My prayers usually start by thanking the Universe for all that I do have in my life, continuing with the things I need assistance with. Each time I pray, I’ve gotten chills. Not the kind of chills if I was cold but that I feel someone’s presence, be it an angel or a guide or even someone I know but has passed on from this lifetime (ie. grandma).
When I was younger, 16 years ago when my dad’s mother had passed away, it was a very difficult time for me. She was always very dear to me, we did bunch of things together. She taught me to play cards and I loved it each time we did, but she wouldn’t just let me win because I asked. More than once, I threw a tantrum because of this. When she passed away, I needed to feel close to her so my way of coping with it was to call God and ask grandma on the phone. I started talking to her about my day and things that went on as if I was on the phone with her. Once done with the conversation, I thanked God and got off the phone. To me, it felt it was a real call/conversation. I haven’t done this in years but I’ve felt the presence of my grandma’s lately. That they’ve been watching over me, giving me guidance and comfort. This in return, has made me more balanced again. I feel centred.
One afternoon, I decided to go visit a Buddhist temple. I went to a sermon which was held that afternoon, the sermon was for some sort of healing meditation. I don’t know much about Buddhism, excuse me if the terminology isn’t correct. The atmosphere in a Buddhist temple is a lot different than the one of a Christian church. The meditation was all in Tibetan language so I didn’t understand a word but I was just there to follow the lead. It felt grounding, it’s a very down-to-earth religion. It was a good experience for me, and somehow it started the whole process of finding balance. Healing if you will.
Whenever I’m put in a new, unknown situations, I want to ensure I’m being as respectful as I can. Prior going to the temple, I read a few tips how to be at the temple. One of the most interesting tip was not that you have to take your shoes off but to try avoiding pointing your toes directly to Buddha. So, I was mindful of this. Preparing to sit my legs crossed for the entire hour, I took a few pillows to ease it a little bit. I listen to the chant, pay attention to my breathing and follow the leader’s hand gestures. With no idea what they are saying, I feel legs going numb slowly. Trying to pay respect and not to move, the leader notices this and tells me it’s okay to go sit on the chair. Trying to stand up, my legs are so numb I cannot even control what they’re doing. I fall back down again and stretch my toes upward. As the numbness starts to go away, I get up to go sit on one of the chairs and follow the rest of it from the back of the room.
Even though, I respect this culture and way of life, something does not feel right to me. Regardless, it is still a religion to me. By any means, I don’t want to disregard this belief system as there are a lot of things that I relate to. I guess the mysteries of the unseen is what I’ve believed in for a very long time, was missing. Maybe I will go there again, maybe I won’t but it’s too earthly approach for me.
When back at home later in the evening, I had this feeling I need to get back to God and start reading the Bible. Why am I reading the Bible when I know it is written by man, is the first thought that goes through my mind. Many of the things written do not make sense to me nor do I want to take it too literally, still I continue reading. It could be that I just want to be closer to the Divine, and it may be correlated to my mother’s mom as she was quite involved with the church.
As with any of the beliefs I have, I don’t necessarily like to talk about it too much. It’s an internal conversation between me, myself and I. When the topic comes up, I’m not afraid to express my thoughts but it’s something that is private to me. Maybe this is why I don’t like to go to church or any sort of temple as I rather do it in private.
All this in mind, the chanting at the Buddhist temple did something to me. I strongly believe it was exactly what needed to happen. Ever since then, my body has found balance. I’ve become calmer. I’ve had some realizations. Somehow, I’ve found my faith. I’m not a traditional believer but there is something very special in God (the Universe/the Source/whichever you’d prefer to call it). All of this, has restored my spirituality and feel more connected than ever.
One of the realizations I’ve had, is that I’m more traditional and have traditional views than what I had thought. I do believe in marriage, being faithful to one another. Whether it’ll happen to me, whether I can promise a lifetime with someone, is a completely another question but I still like the thought of it. Another a-ha moment I’ve had, has been very personal, I no longer desire to be with men. As it stands, I am actually quite over them and too focused on repairing myself to be with anyone else. Hence, I’ve decided to go abstinent.
I am in no hurry to be sexual with someone else. Someone once said to me that when you’re dating in your 20’s people are hasty with their decisions. Dating in 30’s or even 40’s becomes much different as one doesn’t feel the need to hurry. I feel that’s where I’m at. When I’ve tried to explain this to a few men, their response has been “but we’re adults and if things happen, there’s no harm in it, it’s only a plus”. I do agree with this but the traditionalist in me wants to get to know the other person first. It baffles me more than anything that things usually lead to having sex.. on the first date. Despite what I might say. As the saying goes, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, and this really is true.
Life throws you plenty of temptations, just to see how you’ll react. Without temptations and tests you don’t know your own strength or limits. However, it has been hard to find the strength and the willpower to go against majority in this case. It is against what I am used to but at the same time I’m just tired of being treated like an object. I am sure I will find balance with this as well. Being the kind of a person to not really go to any extremes, I’ve also found the strength in not caring what people think of me and I will always follow my intuition, without a doubt.
All in all, I’ve needed all of these experiences, thoughts and feelings in order to find myself again. I now know exactly what I want, what I’m after and even how to start going for it. I’ve moved on from planning to getting things in motion, and before the momentum is lost, I am going for it fearlessly. I have high standards regards to all aspects in my life, I’m not seeking for perfection rather just knowing what I want and not being apologetic for getting it. The Universe and all my Guides (whoever they are) are assisting me in going forward. I am so thankful to have gone through this part of the journey, thankful for the darker part of the path to have found wisdom and grown that much stronger.
I leave you with this short poem, which came to me at the start of the week.
Suddenly everything became so clear to me, as if a lightning strike
Knowing exactly what should be, only following my destiny.
Wanting to thank the Universe for always guiding me
Even though I am close to losing my hope, faith
But somehow, always find my way back to where I need to go.