In a short amount of time, I have already had my heart broken. Not once, but a few times. I thought I would have learned my lesson of letting go but it still seems to come back. It comes back when I really care for someone, I have a hard time letting them go even if they treat me badly. Some might even say that I lose my self-respect, asking for someone to come back to my life when they don’t necessarily want to.
I will always stand up for what I believe in. I will listen to the arguments the other person has, and my mind may be changed. I’ve come to learn that I am a strong personality, thus will need someone who is strong as well and able to express themselves, no matter what the situation at hand is. The question is, do I lose face when wanting someone who is unattainable? I will not beg anyone for anything, let alone them be part of my life if they don’t want to. Though, this does not mean that it doesn’t hurt. This is the kind of pain that hurts the most, is the most difficult for me.
I thought I had a connection, or two really great connections, actually. I’ve not found something like that in a very long time. There have been different occasions where I’ve had my fun, and continue to do so, but I now realize that I’m missing the connection. The chemistry. The understanding of each other without having to say much but still making the effort to wanting to keep the conversation going and getting to know one another on a deeper level. I kind of got lost in these situations, both having the potential of something more. Each so different but the daydreams were there.
Why did one come back into my life, and the other just entering my life like a tornado? Both leaving at the same time. As fast as it started, so quickly it ended. Was this the triangle I have been feeling coming for a couple of years now?
He has met his match in me, in the sense that I will call his bull when needed. We have great conversations, some deeper than the others. I was happy he came back into my life, really happy. He opened up about his life, I filled in the gap years to him. Something tells me, our connection is stronger than what meets the eye. He may be what I have been searching for all these years, since our lives and personalities do mirror quite a lot. The situation got too intense for him so he chose to run away for a while. Though he did say something about connecting again in a year or something. Who knows at this point. As always, maybe I’m overanalyzing everything and making it all up in my head. Regardless, I have nothing but respect for him (though how he has treated me and how he sees women, I probably shouldn’t) and he will continue to be dear to me, now that I know what I know. I miss his presence. I will give it time, and hope that when he is ready again, he’ll contact me. I’ve learned not to push people anymore.
He showed me hope in love again when there was none left. When I had lost all of it, he came into my life like a whirlwind. Just as a whirlwind does, he confused the heck out of me. Situation was so complex to begin with that I don’t even know why I felt the need to see it through. As if anything could ever come of it. Yet, I remained hopeful. It felt I was in a dream, daydreaming, seeing all the possibilities of what my life could become. How he’d be the calming force within my otherwise crazy mind. The companionship could have been great. The only fear I had, was I do not want my life to become a routine. I need adventures, I need to be free to do what I want, and do it out of spur of the moment. Do things without planning. So, it did not happen. Though I’ve been able to express myself, I do feel as if I deserved just a little bit more, a simple reply back expressing his thoughts.
I probably shouldn’t even be writing about this. However, what do I have to lose? Besides there is nothing significant about them I’ve posted, just my feelings/thoughts about them. The off-chance that they will read this post, is quite slim. I’m writing this for me, maybe this will help me moving on and releasing the energy, allowing newcomers to enter.
Oh well, time to focus on new things. New possibilities. New people. I will get over this feeling and the heartache eventually. Thankfully, I have great friends around me who listen and give invaluable advice. Love will come eventually, when the time is right. When it’s the right person to come along to join the path with me, everything will happen as it should. Until then, I’ll continue to have my fun. I will overcome my slight fear of commitment. Being a romantic person, I will keep hoping for it till it actually happens again for me.