January is already at its end and yet it seems the month is going so slow. The start of the year seems to be the hardest for me, for some reason. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is I want out of this life. I’m happy within myself, I’m even semi-happy with where I live at the moment. I’m just not happy what I do with my time. The week days seem to be the same, wake up, go to work, get groceries and go home. I can’t even blame it on being tired because I haven’t felt I’ve been that tired. I don’t want a routine-like life where everyday is the same, rather want to have adventures and experiences.
So, I’ve been thinking how can I achieve what I want this year? I’ve felt as if I’ve been wondering aimlessly, blinded by haze for a few years now. I used to be a planner. Used to make lists, have goals for myself. Somehow, that has not been the case for a while. How can I achieve anything if I don’t have goals or dreams I want to achieve? What it is that makes me happy? How can I take a step forward, as tiny as it may be, in achieving my dreams? What do I want out of life? What goals do I have within this year? Those have been a few of the questions that have been looming over my head this past month.
Money has, as always, not been the greatest friend of mine. Money still causes anxiety and I do not want to deal with it. I see there is another lesson to be learned. I’m not much for making new year’s resolutions, simply because I can never keep them in the first place. If I try to promise I won’t do something or eat this, the next day I find myself buying triple the amount I’d normally do. With that said, I want to know that I am on my path to go in the direction I’ve wanted to. In this period of my life, I just need to accept that money doesn’t grow on trees.
I can only blame myself for not making a change thus far. I could have done so many things but I haven’t. It is only now that I’m starting to wake up and do things to reach my dreams. It seems that Universe is helping me as well, find the right people at the right time to help me out in what they specialize in. But also finding people to encourage me to step out and start using what I have. The rest, is up to me. No matter how scared I am, even if I don’t even know where to begin, all it takes is that one tiniest of steps and somehow you realize you’re taking leaps.
The discouragement comes from being fearful and insecure. Then again, when will you think you have enough experience to be worth what someone wants to pay for your services? Will you ever really be ready? Fear has crippled me until this moment but I realize that it should encourage me more than anything. Use it as a stand off point and get ready for the unexpected journey. Besides, if you aren’t fearful to start working towards your dreams, those dreams aren’t grand enough in the first place.
I used to be scared of spiders. Well, I don’t think I’ll fully get over it as the really big ones with a bit of ‘fur’ would scare me to no end if I ever came across one in my house. Nor would I hold one, big or small, in my hands. When I shifted my way of thinking to what can they teach me and what is their lesson to me, no longer do I scream when I see one. In fact, I try not to kill them either. Spiders are said to be omen for feminine energy, creativity, patience, receptivity, they are weavers of life’s fate and can even sometimes be associated with the shadow self.
In other words, they can be related to an important direction you are taking in life. By wanting to kill it, you may be repressing some feelings or rejecting aspects of yourself. Because they create very intricate webs which are also beautiful and strong, symbolically their appearance in your life might be a reminder of your own ability to create delicate things or ideas which are also strong. Spiders can be spirit animals whose purpose is to inspire to gain perspective on an issue or a project you contemplate taking on. Furthermore, for most they may bring up aversion, tension, fear or discomfort. You can ask yourself where these feelings also appear in your life, giving you points to focus on.
Therefore, I feel like I have accepted myself and my shadow self by accepting spiders to become part of my life. No longer do I want to deny their existence, in fact, I want to use their energy as inspiration on my life. Lately, there have been a few times, where the spider has woven its web and climbed down right next to me. Despite my initial reaction to jump, I let him just be because I knew he would do no harm in my life. And in a short while, I would not see him anymore. Conquering this fear, has made me realize that not all is what it may seem to be. It has been a great reminder just shifting your perspective, of how you can change your entire attitude. The fear that was once inside me, is now used for inspiration to achieve what I’ve been dreaming of for so many years. Spiders have also reminded me by patience and persistence, you will go far. There is a time and a place for everything. Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens at the exact time it’s supposed to. However, you cannot be passive either, you need to have the idea of what kind of an intricate yet strong web you will create. Sometimes it happens half-accidentally, other times you need to put more effort into it. Whatever you do, do not give up.
Just as I’ve dealt with the fear of spiders, the next step is to deal with the other fears I have in my life whether it’s regarding money, handling everything on my own, or getting one step closer to achieve my dreams. It has been a wonderful reminder, how I need to be patient with this project. It won’t be an easy one but it will happen when it’s supposed to. I’m slowly working towards it, in fact I’ve been working towards it, unknowingly. There will be days when I will question everything, when things seem overwhelmingly impossible, when I will compare myself to people who inspire me and think “I’ll never get there”. Those are moments that need to be expressed, too. As long as you give attention to them but are able to let go of those thoughts, everything will be alright. Despite last night’s meltdown, the spark is back and I want nothing more than to continue this path I’ve been on. Taking little steps at a time, and finding patience to go through it all.