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If you look for love you won’t find it because love is never lost

As new characters come into my life, new perspectives follow. Something that I’ve been made aware of as of late, has been being in an open relationship. In one of my previous posts, I touched the subject of what marriage means to me. Coming to the conclusion that I am quite a traditional person and while I find it hard to reason getting married, for the right person, I may want nothing but that. Why I find it hard to reason this, is because I don’t know if I could commit to one person for the rest of my life, and promise them forever when I’m not even sure I believe in forever.

The past summer, guys have come and gone out of my place. Those whom I’ve found a connection with, ones I’ve been comfortable enough to allow them enter into my sacred safe haven. I don’t do one nighters, I need more than that. I need to know that I will be in touch with that person afterwards, that they know my name and I know theirs. So, there hasn’t been very many fellas but a selected few. We’ve had good times, I’ve enjoyed their company, some more than others. It’s been fun thus far.

However, I’ve not felt that I need the fun anymore. I need more than that. I am a passionate person, need a lot of love and affection. It seems that after so many months, I’d be ready for something more serious. I’m not going to go look for it as it doesn’t happen like that. When the person comes along that I’d be ready to commit again, I know I will stay committed to just that one person. Even with the few guys I’ve simply had fun with, I have a better connection with a few than the rest. Meaning that I get more attached to one person over the others. Which has made me realize that I wouldn’t be the type to cheat on anyone and I’d need monogamy, I don’t want to share the person whom I am in love with (once it gets to that point).

This kind of contradicts the way I think of marriage, that I don’t know how to promise to spend my lifetime together with just one person. Maybe there will come a time where I’d want to see if the grass is greener over the fence. We all get tempted at one point or another, there is nothing wrong with just looking.. it’s when you act upon it. There were temptations during my previous relationship, it is just human nature to find someone attractive. It’s absolutely normal, actually.

It’s up to you to make the arrangements of what kind of a relationship you want with your partner. If it would be okay to go have sex with someone else, without getting emotions involved but at the end of the day, your partner will always come first. The partner will be the one, who you’ll come home to and go to bed with. That is the definition of an open relationship. Each will have their own details regarding it but that’d be the basis of it.

I’ve come to realize that us humans we should just go with the flow and if you feel attraction towards the other person, and it feels good, go follow it. Without any judgment or fear. You’ll never know what will happen in the end, maybe that person will be the one who you’ll end up spending many years with. Does this not completely contradict the concept of being monogamous? I mean, if you’re committed to one person, you’re supposed to be with them and yet you choose to play with fire by enjoying someone else’s company but you do not want to share your partner with anyone else? Yeah, we definitely are selfish beings, that’s for sure.

I’m yet again being pushed out of my comfort zone here, though I don’t mind it. Relationships are fascinating. The way our minds work, fascinate me. I love to have different perspectives, which make me contemplate on my own views on the subject.

I suppose, I’ve moved on from having just fun. I’m ready for something deeper at this stage. I won’t go looking for it for I know it… he (or possibly she).. will find me when the time is right. I do not like rules, the only thing that I expect out of any relationship that I currently have in my life, is honesty and communication. I’m not a mind reader, though I can read the vibes/energy and body language quite well. I particularly don’t like it when someone decides for me what I’m capable of handling to hear, no matter what the situation is, I always rather know the truth. I will get more disappointed and annoyed when I’m kept in the dark, just because someone is trying not to hurt me. When I’m committed, I’m only committed to one person. I will tell them if there is something else going on, or if I’d be interested in someone else. It wouldn’t be for me to share the person I’m in a relationship with. I cannot make any promises to commit to that one particular person for forever but if it does feel right, there is a chance I may change my mind.

For the right person, things will feel right and easy, everything will happen at its own course. At its own time. There is no need to push anything to happen, just seeing where the moment will lead you and enjoying in the meanwhile. Even if you get too caught in your own thoughts at times, let them go, do not over-analyze the situation but just let it flow. Let it come as it does, naturally. You will find the answers you are seeking for, when the time is right. Timing is everything.


Maybe it was destiny

As I lay awake at night
In the bed so cold
With no one to cuddle,
No one to hold

Not interested in anyone
But you
You’re the one I think of
You’re the one I want

So far away, unreachable
Though I do know
You want the same
Just don’t know when

Wanting to be close to you
Body craving, yearning
For your touch
Your lips on my skin

One amazing night
Changed everything
Why did it had to happen
Or am I being too impatient

Getting caught in my head
Over thinking, analyzing
Wanting to understand
What you’re thinking

How long are we willing
To stay in this position
When is it enough
To make the decision

Patience, they say
Have patience
Never thought after letting go
This would be my next lesson

Not willing to give you up
As of yet, wanting to see this till the end
Not willing to stop my life
Just for you, though I already know

Deeply infatuated by you
Love is kind, love is patient
Purely unconditional, it’s simple
Based on free will, cannot hurry it

Though I already know
I can feel it in my bones
Earth-shattering, like the Tower
I was meant to be with you

© Sara H, October 2014. All rights reserved.

Moonlight sky

Your lips ever so soft
Touching mine tenderly
Vibrations going through
All over my body

Temperature rising
As the moon lights the sky
Rain drops sound so soft
I take in the moment as a still

Your skin soft as a feather
Against my naked skin
Baby please never let me go
This is exactly where I wanna be

© Sara H, September 2014. All rights reserved.

So you tried, to believe in the castle made of sand

Am I a masochist for when I feel pain, I feel alive? Am I a narcissist when I talk about myself and see the world from my perspective? Am I a pessimist when I’m upset and do not see the beauty of life? Am I an escapist when reality seems to hard to live and I start living in my head?

I’m not one to label things, I don’t really rationalize situations. Rather, I follow my heart. I make impulsive decisions at times. Whenever I feel something, it’s a strong wave of emotions. My mind does not need labelling nor categorizing in order to understand something. When someone tries to label me in order to understand where I’m coming from, I tolerate it because I know that’s not how most people work. Some people are very imperative in their minds, making situations either black or white. There is a part of me which tries to understand even this way of thinking while I know, most things are in the grey area.

When in school, we are being taught in a way we would understand something. Our vocabulary grows with categories, that’s why we do exercises such as what an object brings to your mind. When our minds are limited, at first we do need to categorize things in order to grasp it. However, the more we start to understand and the more knowledge we gain, the less we need to categorize and label things.

Being an open-minded and spiritual person, I feel categorization is very limited point of view. As an example, in my opinion, none of us is just straight anymore. I’m not saying that we’d feel sexually attracted to same gender but there are aspects which all of us admires in a person, be it from same sex or the opposite. As I’ve said previously, I believe we are fluids, spirit is fluid and our physical form is only a vehicle. Naturally, we correspond to the vibration/energy the other puts out. Animals are great examples as they do not understand words, they correspond to the energy you have; if you are calm, they will be calm and if you have any threatening energy or are insecure of yourself, they will respond to that energy by becoming that way themselves. Us humans do it, too, even though most of us do not realize this.

As we grow up and grow older, our perspectives are moulded based on the individual’s experiences, surroundings, teachings, friends, even media. Our thoughts and opinions change with time. However, some get stuck in their way of thinking and seeing the world without even realizing that this does not serve them anymore. It is just black and white to them.

Is one gay because of experiencing love of same gender individual? Would one be bulimic because of throwing up a few times after meals? Does comforting someone else’s spouse make them a cheater? If one feels extreme emotional pain and needs to feel it physically, does that make them harmful for people around them?

One should not be judged because of their actions, none of us is perfect. We are all here to learn the lessons we are supposed to learn in order to progress as souls. However, each of us has our dark side, what I like to call as shadow self. Psychiatrist C.G. Jung first came with the concept of the shadow, which is the known ‘dark side’ of our personality. According to him, it mainly consists of the primitive, negative, socially or religiously depreciated human emotions and impulses (such as the seven sins). Due to its unenlightened nature, it’s completely obscured from consciousness. This differs from multiple personality disorder and being possessed by demonic forces as the shadow is part of psyche in which one usually does not want to acknowledge as it contains the denied parts of the self.

Sometimes I get scared of my own mind. I get scared of the darkness it possesses for when the shadow comes out, it’s a really dark place to be. I am aware of my surroundings and what I’m doing, my vision feels hazy. When in the state of darkness, the darkness scares me for I do not know what I will do. I like to call my Shadow C. (short for Candice). For the longest time, I thought I was crazy and didn’t really want to accept this side of me. Since discovering the shadow self, I’ve come to realize that this resonates to me the most and that it is part of me, without it being a ‘separate personality’. As in most cases when one suffers from multiple personality disorder, they rarely remember what the personalities have done or said. Furthermore, this usually happens out of a tragedy when the person has disassociated from their being otherwise.

I don’t feel my shadow side to be a different being or person from me, rather it is a different side of me. However, it has aspects that I wouldn’t normally show to others. C. comes out when suffering from extreme pain, anxiety, been ridiculed and hurt. She is also there when I need to be tough for she feels no empathy. In fact, she lives for the pain. About ten years ago, when I went through hard times of teenage years, I used to cut myself. Not till I bled but the scars are still present. I think that’s when it started. Every now and again, I have to fight that feeling. The feeling of not being worth anything. No longer do I feel I am alone for I have an amazing group of friends and people who care about me, I just need to ask for their help. Lately, I’ve not had to worry about such extremity. However, it does scare me when I do get into that mindset and that’s when I listen to the darkest songs I can find. My mind switches off and eyes become cold.

I’ve always wondered how have I gotten so lucky that I’ve not been abused. That if I was, my shadow self would be so much easier to explain. That physical pain is so much easier explained to my shadow than emotional pain. This way of thinking scares me for I can act as if I have been. The anger, and other dark emotions, I have within are somehow channelled because of it. At times when I’m really upset, I push the other person to the edge so that they’d snap. Never have I been physically abused. It must be the amazing angels and protectors on the flip side who look after me. I should be extremely thankful, though when feeling low, I wonder why. 

What is it that makes you, you? How can one find peace and happiness within? When the sun shines, it really shines and when it’s raining, it’s pouring – is it okay to feel such extreme emotions? How much do you judge yourself?

Having put these two things under one post, you must be wondering what is the connection between the two. In order to understand ourselves, most of us may categorize and label ourselves at first. For the longest time, I thought there was something wrong with me when my shadow, when C, decides to come out for a play.

Upon understanding more about the shadow self, I’ve found sense of peace. I’ve realized that it is part of me, and not an external being. I’m not crazy nor should I judge it. As said, it comes out when in extreme pain or if I’ve felt I’ve been belittled or ridiculed. No longer do I need to categorize the shadow part of me for I’ve come to terms with it.

This subject is something that I have never ever told a single soul. No one. My writings have been quite therapeutic for me lately. As I’ve been going through the thoughts and emotions, sometimes even at the pace I’ve typed them, I’ve come to know myself more. I’ve found understanding within myself. At this point, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me, I’m writing more for myself almost as if I was writing a journal. The years of internal turmoil within me, has finally been able to come out and be expressed. Acknowledgement is the first step to recovery, or in this case to releasing the emotions. Thus being able to move on. Becoming more secure within my own skin, which results people naturally finding my presence comfortable to be around. This tranquillity I currently have, is beyond what I thought I could ever feel.

I encourage you to think and discover your shadow. You don’t have to name it, in whatever way it feels comfortable to you. When you’re scared of something, even terrified, it most likely has a lesson in it. Taking out the demons from the closet will ensure them becoming acquaintances, slowly developing to friends till you realize there was nothing to be scared of in the first place. Wouldn’t that be wonderful if you didn’t have to be fearful of something that you’ve been scared for a long time? Such a relief, I can guarantee this. Make it your friend, not your enemy.