• Matkatarjoukset:

On a quest to inner journey to find the balance again

After a couple of months of being out of my game, I’ve slowly found my balance again. It has taken a lot of self-exploration, quieting the mind, meditation and prayer. For some reason or another, whenever I’m at a really big crossroads, I find myself getting closer to God. I’ve referred to God as Universe, the Creator, the Source – all basically meaning the same thing. However, somehow, the name God hits home. I don’t know whether it’s because I grew up a Christian, with grandmother quite involved with the church, or why. To me, it feels most natural. However, out of respect for others, I’m used to writing the Universe, because I don’t want to exclude anyone.

My relationship with God has been, well, a rocky road. I do believe in Angels and Spirit Guides, as well as Spirit Animals. There are a lot of things which we cannot see, or even our narrow minds cannot understand. That which we cannot understand, scares us, for the most part. I believe in it much like as if I was turning on a light switch – I have no idea how it works and how the wiring goes, however, I know and trust the light goes on when I press the button. The angels and guides are all around us, they won’t (and cannot) meddle in our lives unless we ask for their assistance.

Through this hazy time, I’ve also gone back to meditation. Well not meditation in the sense that I get in a comfortable position and start listening to a guided meditation. As I understand, meditation can happen in any way one can think of, so long as you stop to listen to your inner-self. For me, it has been in the form of stopping everything and just being in the silence. Taking time for myself in the quiet. On some occasions, this has led to prayer. My prayers usually start by thanking the Universe for all that I do have in my life, continuing with the things I need assistance with. Each time I pray, I’ve gotten chills. Not the kind of chills if I was cold but that I feel someone’s presence, be it an angel or a guide or even someone I know but has passed on from this lifetime (ie. grandma).

When I was younger, 16 years ago when my dad’s mother had passed away, it was a very difficult time for me. She was always very dear to me, we did bunch of things together. She taught me to play cards and I loved it each time we did, but she wouldn’t just let me win because I asked. More than once, I threw a tantrum because of this. When she passed away, I needed to feel close to her so my way of coping with it was to call God and ask grandma on the phone. I started talking to her about my day and things that went on as if I was on the phone with her. Once done with the conversation, I thanked God and got off the phone. To me, it felt it was a real call/conversation. I haven’t done this in years but I’ve felt the presence of my grandma’s lately. That they’ve been watching over me, giving me guidance and comfort. This in return, has made me more balanced again. I feel centred.

One afternoon, I decided to go visit a Buddhist temple. I went to a sermon which was held that afternoon, the sermon was for some sort of healing meditation. I don’t know much about Buddhism, excuse me if the terminology isn’t correct. The atmosphere in a Buddhist temple is a lot different than the one of a Christian church. The meditation was all in Tibetan language so I didn’t understand a word but I was just there to follow the lead. It felt grounding, it’s a very down-to-earth religion. It was a good experience for me, and somehow it started the whole process of finding balance. Healing if you will.

Whenever I’m put in a new, unknown situations, I want to ensure I’m being as respectful as I can. Prior going to the temple, I read a few tips how to be at the temple. One of the most interesting tip was not that you have to take your shoes off but to try avoiding pointing your toes directly to Buddha. So, I was mindful of this. Preparing to sit my legs crossed for the entire hour, I took a few pillows to ease it a little bit. I listen to the chant, pay attention to my breathing and follow the leader’s hand gestures. With no idea what they are saying, I feel legs going numb slowly. Trying to pay respect and not to move, the leader notices this and tells me it’s okay to go sit on the chair. Trying to stand up, my legs are so numb I cannot even control what they’re doing. I fall back down again and stretch my toes upward. As the numbness starts to go away, I get up to go sit on one of the chairs and follow the rest of it from the back of the room.

Even though, I respect this culture and way of life, something does not feel right to me. Regardless, it is still a religion to me. By any means, I don’t want to disregard this belief system as there are a lot of things that I relate to. I guess the mysteries of the unseen is what I’ve believed in for a very long time, was missing. Maybe I will go there again, maybe I won’t but it’s too earthly approach for me.

When back at home later in the evening, I had this feeling I need to get back to God and start reading the Bible. Why am I reading the Bible when I know it is written by man, is the first thought that goes through my mind. Many of the things written do not make sense to me nor do I want to take it too literally, still I continue reading. It could be that I just want to be closer to the Divine, and it may be correlated to my mother’s mom as she was quite involved with the church.

As with any of the beliefs I have, I don’t necessarily like to talk about it too much. It’s an internal conversation between me, myself and I. When the topic comes up, I’m not afraid to express my thoughts but it’s something that is private to me. Maybe this is why I don’t like to go to church or any sort of temple as I rather do it in private. 

All this in mind, the chanting at the Buddhist temple did something to me. I strongly believe it was exactly what needed to happen. Ever since then, my body has found balance. I’ve become calmer. I’ve had some realizations. Somehow, I’ve found my faith. I’m not a traditional believer but there is something very special in God (the Universe/the Source/whichever you’d prefer to call it). All of this, has restored my spirituality and feel more connected than ever.

One of the realizations I’ve had, is that I’m more traditional and have traditional views than what I had thought. I do believe in marriage, being faithful to one another. Whether it’ll happen to me, whether I can promise a lifetime with someone, is a completely another question but I still like the thought of it.  Another a-ha moment I’ve had, has been very personal, I no longer desire to be with men. As it stands, I am actually quite over them and too focused on repairing myself to be with anyone else. Hence, I’ve decided to go abstinent.

I am in no hurry to be sexual with someone else. Someone once said to me that when you’re dating in your 20’s people are hasty with their decisions. Dating in 30’s or even 40’s becomes much different as one doesn’t feel the need to hurry. I feel that’s where I’m at. When I’ve tried to explain this to a few men, their response has been “but we’re adults and if things happen, there’s no harm in it, it’s only a plus”. I do agree with this but the traditionalist in me wants to get to know the other person first. It baffles me more than anything that things usually lead to having sex.. on the first date. Despite what I might say. As the saying goes, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, and this really is true.

Life throws you plenty of temptations, just to see how you’ll react. Without temptations and tests you don’t know your own strength or limits. However, it has been hard to find the strength and the willpower to go against majority in this case. It is against what I am used to but at the same time I’m just tired of being treated like an object. I am sure I will find balance with this as well. Being the kind of a person to not really go to any extremes, I’ve also found the strength in not caring what people think of me and I will always follow my intuition, without a doubt.

All in all, I’ve needed all of these experiences, thoughts and feelings in order to find myself again. I now know exactly what I want, what I’m after and even how to start going for it. I’ve moved on from planning to getting things in motion, and before the momentum is lost, I am going for it fearlessly. I have high standards regards to all aspects in my life, I’m not seeking for perfection rather just knowing what I want and not being apologetic for getting it. The Universe and all my Guides (whoever they are) are assisting me in going forward. I am so thankful to have gone through this part of the journey, thankful for the darker part of the path to have found wisdom and grown that much stronger.

I leave you with this short poem, which came to me at the start of the week.

Suddenly everything became so clear to me, as if a lightning strike
Knowing exactly what should be, only following my destiny.
Wanting to thank the Universe for always guiding me
Even though I am close to losing my hope, faith
But somehow, always find my way back to where I need to go.

You can take my wings but I’m still gonna fly

Life has taken me on another rollercoaster, just the direction has been missing. There are so many things I want to achieve, not entirely even sure how to start unravelling this mess. I took a few days off my day job to gather my thoughts. I am a strong believer of things happening for a reason, and now that a friend of mine has moved back to Ireland for the third time, he happens to live 5  minutes away from me. I cannot show enough gratitude for how thankful I am of the timing of it all. It is just so easy to give him a ring when I want to do something, even hang out to watch a movie. With his company, I’m also forcing myself to leave the house more and go explore unknown areas of Dublin. This actually has been crucial for my healing, without it I probably would have been anxious at home over-thinking things. It has given me new drive to make the steps to move on and clear my head.

Usually when I could feel a change coming, I’d have my significant other to go through these changes with. I’ve felt it coming for a long time now but been postponing it as I’ve been too scared to continue with my life. I guess I haven’t been ready for the change to come. However, with a lack of energy, barely any passion to do anything – even for life, constant tiredness and sleeping ridiculous amounts of hours, are all signs that something is not the way it should be. The lack of energy has caused me to not be able to really collect my thoughts and organize them. I am scared, terrified really, however when I’ve not been able to move on my own, the Universe (or God) is shoving it down my throat now. It gives you the chance to make the changes on your own before it forces onto you. This is my personal experience.

Life throws you curve-balls to see how you react and how you’re able to adapt to new situations. I’ve come to realize that once I get comfortable in something, it’s hard for me to change it. This is brand new realization for me since I’ve thought that I move on quite easily. I thought I was able to change things rather easy. However, I now conclude that this was more because of my significant other – he was the one who wanted to move and keep turning things around. It took me awhile to adapt though eventually, I did. Now that I have to face this all on my own, make decisions just for me without anyone telling me how I should do things or what I should do next it’s not the easiest adjustment.

Since I moved from Finland in 2006, I’ve always had someone, whether it was an au pair family, my significant other or even a few housemates. I’ve always had someone to tell me what to do or giving me unwanted advice. It is now the first time that I am faced with making decisions just for me. No longer is the advice unwanted since I only ask from the people I trust and value their thoughts (if I don’t want their opinion, I won’t say anything). I’ve needed time just to understand this, hence a combination of being off work, my friend living nearby and taking time to myself has been exactly what I have been needing.


This was only the first step, though. Now comes the decision-making. This is probably the most overwhelming part. I have ideas, thoughts, needs, wants, things I want to achieve. I want the world. I want to get there immediately. Often forgetting that the destination is not what counts but the road there. We have an image of the road we want to travel when we’re young, however the road never turns out to be as a straight line we imagine. This is all part of the experience called life. When you accept each situation, the easier you make it for yourself. The bumps are not there because the World is against you but rather to test how you react in order to know yourself, your strengths and what you can improve on.

In theory it all sounds easy, well not easy but easier than what it happens to become in reality. Human mind has a way of making everything more complex than what it actually needs to be, or even is. Add in the mixture anxiety and tendency for depression and the soup for disaster is ready. No wonder I have a lot to improve on when it comes to decision-making.

Once the decisions are set, then comes the part of sticking to it. Which in my case, can be harder than the decisions I’ve previously made. Choosing the first step in the destination you’ve taken should then be as easy as the decisions you’ve made. There are countless decisions which you make on a daily basis. I even get overwhelmed when choosing what to get at the grocery store, let alone making life altering decisions.

Alas, it has to be made. Do not be hard on yourself when making the best decision you can at that particular moment. If you end up in a different place than what you first thought you’d end up in, that’s absolutely okay. If you’re scared in making the efforts of realizing your dreams, ideas, thoughts, whichever – well they aren’t there for the easeness of it all, it’s not supposed to be easy. You are supposed to fail so you can improve and readvice your plan. For you to learn. Each is a lesson to be learned. The biggest failure is to give up on the things that matter. To give up on hope. To give up on life altogether.

The dark paths are absolutely fine. I’ve been on such a path for a while now. I’ve become numb because of it. Because I simply didn’t want to nor have the energy to alter my life into what I want it to be. Not necessarily even that, rather being unable to break it down to smaller pieces to chew. When trying to take too much, it becomes overwhelming. That’s what happened to me. I am slowly finding the light again, following my intuition and turning inward to find the answers. In fact, just yesterday, I got this sense of both of my grandmothers being present, that they are helping me get through this. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve regained my faith.

Regained faith in God, have started reading the Bible again and just quieting down. I’ve started praying. Feeling the presence of angels and other spirit guides. Through that, I’ve found balance, calmed down and been able to centre myself. It has changed my perspective once more. Now having blind faith that everything will turn out just the way it should.

I’m perfectly incomplete / I’m still working on my masterpiece

January is already at its end and yet it seems the month is going so slow. The start of the year seems to be the hardest for me, for some reason. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is I want out of this life. I’m happy within myself, I’m even semi-happy with where I live at the moment. I’m just not happy what I do with my time. The week days seem to be the same, wake up, go to work, get groceries and go home. I can’t even blame it on being tired because I haven’t felt I’ve been that tired. I don’t want a routine-like life where everyday is the same, rather want to have adventures and experiences.

So, I’ve been thinking how can I achieve what I want this year? I’ve felt as if I’ve been wondering aimlessly, blinded by haze for a few years now. I used to be a planner. Used to make lists, have goals for myself. Somehow, that has not been the case for a while. How can I achieve anything if I don’t have goals or dreams I want to achieve? What it is that makes me happy? How can I take a step forward, as tiny as it may be, in achieving my dreams? What do I want out of life? What goals do I have within this year? Those have been a few of the questions that have been looming over my head this past month.

Money has, as always, not been the greatest friend of mine. Money still causes anxiety and I do not want to deal with it. I see there is another lesson to be learned. I’m not much for making new year’s resolutions, simply because I can never keep them in the first place. If I try to promise I won’t do something or eat this, the next day I find myself buying triple the amount I’d normally do. With that said, I want to know that I am on my path to go in the direction I’ve wanted to. In this period of my life, I just need to accept that money doesn’t grow on trees.

I can only blame myself for not making a change thus far. I could have done so many things but I haven’t. It is only now that I’m starting to wake up and do things to reach my dreams. It seems that Universe is helping me as well, find the right people at the right time to help me out in what they specialize in. But also finding people to encourage me to step out and start using what I have. The rest, is up to me. No matter how scared I am, even if I don’t even know where to begin, all it takes is that one tiniest of steps and somehow you realize you’re taking leaps.

The discouragement comes from being fearful and insecure. Then again, when will you think you have enough experience to be worth what someone wants to pay for your services? Will you ever really be ready? Fear has crippled me until this moment but I realize that it should encourage me more than anything. Use it as a stand off point and get ready for the unexpected journey. Besides, if you aren’t fearful to start working towards your dreams, those dreams aren’t grand enough in the first place.

I used to be scared of spiders. Well, I don’t think I’ll fully get over it as the really big ones with a bit of ‘fur’ would scare me to no end if I ever came across one in my house. Nor would I hold one, big or small, in my hands. When I shifted my way of thinking to what can they teach me and what is their lesson to me, no longer do I scream when I see one. In fact, I try not to kill them either. Spiders are said to be omen for feminine energy, creativity, patience, receptivity, they are weavers of life’s fate and can even sometimes be associated with the shadow self.


In other words, they can be related to an important direction you are taking in life. By wanting to kill it, you may be repressing some feelings or rejecting aspects of yourself. Because they create very intricate webs which are also beautiful and strong, symbolically their appearance in your life might be a reminder of your own ability to create delicate things or ideas which are also strong. Spiders can be spirit animals whose purpose is to inspire to gain perspective on an issue or a project you contemplate taking on. Furthermore, for most they may bring up aversion, tension, fear or discomfort. You can ask yourself where these feelings also appear in your life, giving you points to focus on.

Therefore, I feel like I have accepted myself and my shadow self by accepting spiders to become part of my life. No longer do I want to deny their existence, in fact, I want to use their energy as inspiration on my life. Lately, there have been a few times, where the spider has woven its web and climbed down right next to me. Despite my initial reaction to jump, I let him just be because I knew he would do no harm in my life. And in a short while, I would not see him anymore. Conquering this fear, has made me realize that not all is what it may seem to be. It has been a great reminder just shifting your perspective, of how you can change your entire attitude. The fear that was once inside me, is now used for inspiration to achieve what I’ve been dreaming of for so many years. Spiders have also reminded me by patience and persistence, you will go far. There is a time and a place for everything. Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens at the exact time it’s supposed to. However, you cannot be passive either, you need to have the idea of what kind of an intricate yet strong web you will create. Sometimes it happens half-accidentally, other times you need to put more effort into it. Whatever you do, do not give up.

Just as I’ve dealt with the fear of spiders, the next step is to deal with the other fears I have in my life whether it’s regarding money, handling everything on my own, or getting one step closer to achieve my dreams. It has been a wonderful reminder, how I need to be patient with this project. It won’t be an easy one but it will happen when it’s supposed to. I’m slowly working towards it, in fact I’ve been working towards it, unknowingly. There will be days when I will question everything, when things seem overwhelmingly impossible, when I will compare myself to people who inspire me and think “I’ll never get there”. Those are moments that need to be expressed, too. As long as you give attention to them but are able to let go of those thoughts, everything will be alright. Despite last night’s meltdown, the spark is back and I want nothing more than to continue this path I’ve been on. Taking little steps at a time, and finding patience to go through it all.